I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
I'm heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
So come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Mom, please, can we just leave?
You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
But I hate the eye doctor! He always makes fun of me for being fat.
You're not fat. You're big-boned.
That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason!
Eric Cartman?
- Weak. - Hello, Eric.
- Hi, Dr. Lout. - How's my little piggy today?
Hey! Don't call me a little piggy!
I just say that because you're my little buddy.
I'm just here for an eye exam, all right? Keep your fat jokes to yourself.
Hop up on the chair.
- Don't break it, now. - Goddamn it!
Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing.
All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
- Yes. - All right, read them out for me.
I am a little piggy. Hey!
That does it! Mom!
No, no. That was just a weird coincidence.
I do not know how that happened.
"I am a little piggy." Wow, what are the odds of that?
All right, let's get down to business, shall we?
Gee, that's a good idea. My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian.
Let's see. Which is better? One or two? One or two?
They look exactly the same.
- Just pick one or two. - I don't know. Two!
Okay, one or two. One or two.
- One. - One or two. One or two.
- Two! - No! The answer is one, piggy! One!
- I hate you! - Yes, there is obviously a problem
with your eyes. I'm going to have to dilate them and run some tests.
I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today.
Yeah, usually, when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.
Yeah. Oh, here he comes.
Hey, dudes.
Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
My asshole eye doctor made them all dilbated.
Why?
Why? I'll tell you why. Because he's a goddamned asshole,
and that's about it.
Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Because my eyes suck, but that doctor likes to torture me,
and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do.
Hey, yeah.
- Hey, Chef. - Hello there, children.
Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up.
Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.
It's time for luncheroo!
- Where's Chef? - Chef quit.
- What? - Chef is gone,
so let me introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp.
Mr. Derp?
When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things
are gonna happen. If you liked Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp!
Derp!
Derp! Wasn't that silly, kids?
Why did Chef quit?
Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone.
I don't feel so good.
Derp!
Could you just hand us some food, please?
Sure, gang. I have yellow stuff or white stuff. Derp!
Can I have a yellow with a side of white?
Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.
Yeah, we've gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back.
I don't know, you guys, that hammer thing was pretty funny.
Shut up, Cartman!
- Oh, hello there, children. - Chef, what the hell are you doing?
We almost starved to death at lunch today.
Didn't they tell you? I quit.
Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
Well, it's true.
But why? Why would you quit?
Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books
on Kama Sutra, when I met the most amazing woman ever.
She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking.
We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off.
So you made sweet love to her down by the fire?
No, no. We just sat there all night long and talked.
- Talked? - Yeah, she told me all about the power
of the goddess, and how men had been oppressing women for years
and viewing them as sexual objects.
And I realised that I had done that myself.
- What darling little children! - Here she is now!
Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
That's nice. Look, Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see...
Girlfriend?
Children, Veronica's moving in with me.
- Moving in? - I'm in love.
- Love? - Oh, you nut.
What the hell is going on?
Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favourite poems with me.
Sorry, boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you.
But Chef always helps us with our problems.
When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better.
Well, I can still do that, children.
In fact, Veronica can help me. She's a great singer, too!
What's the problem?
My eyes are going bad,
but the only eye doctor in South Park is really, really mean.
Oh, I know just the song for you.
There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on to the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let's keep on looking for the light
This is insane.
- That bitch! - She's stealing Chef from us!
He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone,
so we can tell him what a bitch she is.
Wait, you guys.
Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous
because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
Yeah, so?
- Yeah, screw that bitch. - Bitch. I hate that bitch!
Look, we've just got to get Chef alone.
He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Let's find out where he's working and go see him tomorrow.
Good idea.
All right, we got the test results back, piggy.
Stop calling me piggy!
You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
- So what does that mean? - It means, piggy, that your eyesight
is never going to get better.
Alright. Right now, I'm going to be totally seriously, okay?
If you call me piggy one more time, I'm going to leap out of this chair,
and rip your goddamn nuts off with my bare hands.
Well, don't worry, I've got something
that's going to make your eyes as good as new.
Dude, super weak! I'm not wearing these. The guys will totally rip on me.
I know. The hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses.
I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
That's why we have the little stapler.
Son of a bitch!
They said Chef works in one of these buildings.
Hey, dudes.
"Look at Cartman in his stupid glasses."
Dude, just take them off.
I can't. They're stapled to my head.
I hate you guys.
Hello, and welcome to Steinburg and Burgstein. Can I help you?
- We wanna talk to Chef. - Chef?
- He's a big guy, with a beard. - And a chef's hat.
Oh, the black guy!
Third cubicle on the left.
Hey, aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Yeah, sure, sure.
- Wow, you really got fat. - Hey!
- Hello there, children. - Hey, Chef.
Eric, you got glasses!
- Chef, you have to dump the bitch. - Huh?
We need you, Chef.
Hey, Chef-o! We're gonna run down to the office supply store
and get some leather holders for our pagers. You wanna come?
You bet!
Chef, this place isn't you!
Children, Veronica has shown me that I'd been living a very empty life.
Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years,
but after that, it starts to get old.
But we don't like her.
- Why not? - I don't know. No reason, I guess.
Children, friends get girlfriends all the time.
It's something even you will have to face with each other, someday.
No way, dude!
Please, Chef. I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
That's easy. Get some laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Hey, laser corrective surgery. Thanks, Chef!
You see? Everything's gonna be fine.
Now, how about I meet you boys after work, and we can play ball?
- Okay! - Okay!
Chef should be here any minute.
- Dude, he bailed on us. - I can't believe it!
Come on. We're going to his house!
Oh, hello there, children.
All right, mister! You better have a good explanation
why you didn't show up to play ball!
- Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot. - You forgot.
Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner.
She's so amazing.
Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef.
Hello, children.
Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind.
Children, I've got some great news for you.
Veronica and I are getting married!
Oh no. No, no, no.
My whole family's coming in for the wedding,
and I want you boys to come, too!
This is so wonderful! Let's sing!
There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on to the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
And that, children, is what you need to know about The Facts of Life.
So let's review. Tootie left in the fourth season,
but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands,
leaving the fifth and six season hideously stagnant.
Okay, children, that's lunch. See you in 30 minutes.
- Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you? - Sure.
Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but we can't this time.
Well, children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice
is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend,
and then stopped being your friend, and it pissed you off?
- The old succubus syndrome. - What's a succubus?
A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man.
- That's it! - Yeah!
Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus.
Their evil power makes a man blind to love.
This is totally what's happening!
Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison.
Yeah, I tell you boys. Women can kill. Poontang is expensive.
That's why, when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave them.
I say, "Get out of my bedroom poontang, before you suck my life dry."
- Thanks, Mr. Garrison. - Sure, kids.
- You're not fooling anyone. - Shut your hole, Mr. Hat.
Come on, guys. We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus.
Yeah. He's gonna be so thankful we told him.
There you are, Eric. Come on. We have to go to the eye doctor.
Oh, no!
Come on, do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?
Yes, but can't we wait till tomorrow?
Now, hon.
But, Mom, I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubus.
- Hello there, children. - Who are you?
I'm Chef's father! We just flew in for the wedding!
Hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him.
- Well, come on in. - There he is.
Chef, we have to talk to you.
Not now, children.
I gotta get fitted for my britches. Be right back.
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
- You're Chef's parents? - Yes, all his life.
We have to talk to him.
Well, he should be out now directly.
He's so excited about the wedding!
Say, would you crackers like to hear
about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
No, that's okay.
Must have been about seven, eight years ago.
Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see,
all alone at night, when all of a sudden, a huge creature,
this giant crustacean from the Palaeolithic era comes out of the water.
We was so scared. Lord, have mercy. I jumped up in the boat and I said,
"Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"
It stood above us looking down with its big red eyes.
Oh, it was so scary.
And I yelled... I said, "What do you want from us, monster?"
And the monster bent down and said, "I need about $3.50."
- What's "tree-fiddy"? - Three dollars and fifty cents.
$3.50.
- He wanted money? - That's right.
I said, "I ain't giving you no $3.50, you goddamn Loch Ness monster!
- "Get your own goddamn money!" - I gave him a dollar.
She gives him a dollar!
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Nelle.
You give him a dollar he's gonna assume you got more!
Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right?
- You son of a bitch! - All right, time to laser me a little piggy.
Hey, you son of a bitch. I'm gonna kick you square in the...
I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster.
- Then one time, I believe it was July. - August.
August. There's a knock on the door.
I open it, and there is this cute little Girl Scout.
She was so adorable with the little pigtails and all.
And she says to me, "How would you like to buy some cookies?"
And I said, "Well, what kind do you have?"
She had Thin Mints, Graham Crunchy Thins...
Raisin Oatmeal...
Raisin Oatmeal... And I said, "We'll take a Graham Crunch.
"How much will that be?" And she looks at me and says,
"I need about $3.50."
$3.50.
Well, it was about that time that I noticed this girl scout
was about eight storeys tall and was a crustacean from the Petadoic era.
The Loch Ness monster.
I said, "Damn it, monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no $3.50!"
It said, "How about just $2.50%"
I said, "Oh, now it's only $2.50%
"What? Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?"
- Lord, he was angry. - Damn right, I was angry.
Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.
Shut your mouth, woman.
Can you just tell Chef we were here?
Sure. That crazy old monster. Then the fourth time...
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery.
I have to wear these bandages for three days.
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Thanks for the newsflash, Tom Brokaw.
What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Well, we couldn't even talk to him.
She's so evil, she has him totally kept away from us.
Eric, you have a little visitor.
- Is that all right? - Okay.
Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
- It's the succubus! - Huh?
We know what you are, lady.
Yeah, you're a blood-thirsty succubus!
A what?
A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men.
Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
Well, you are taking Chef from us.
Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you.
I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man.
He has needs you boys can't fulfil.
He wants a life with me because I make him happy.
Do you understand?
- I guess. - Good.
Oh, and, boys, just one more thing.
I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow
and there's not a goddamned thing you can do about it!
Toodaloo!
- Jesus, dude. - What? What happened?
Could I have your attention please?
Tomorrow my son is going to get married to a beautiful lady.
I'm very happy for them both. Oh, there I go...
- I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now. - It's okay, Pop.
Thomas, you're gonna get me going!
I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man.
He came running up to me with a big smile
and his little chef's hat on, and he said, "Papa! Papa!"
I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?"
And he said, "I need about $3.50."
$3.50!
Well, it was about that time I got suspicious.
I said, "Chef, why do you need $3.50%"
He said, "My imaginary friend, Goo-Goo the Dinosaur, wants it."
I went to my son's room, and sure enough,
- There was the Loch Ness monster. - Oh, it was scary.
I said, "Damn it, monster, you stop bugging my children, now!
"We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away."
Excuse me.
We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news.
This is not a woman. It is a succubus.
- What? - Yeah.
She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him!
Children, that hurts my feelings.
You can pretend all you want. You're not fooling anybody!
All right, guys, that's enough!
I have had it with you! This is the happiest time of my life
and you can't be happy for me.
- Chef, but... - No buts, Stan!
I love this woman and I am marrying her!
Now, you can either accept that, or get out of my life.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we're having a party.
So, I chased the monster down the street, you see.
I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more than us.
No. I'm not willing to give up. Chef wouldn't give up on us.
Oh, man. There's tons of stuff on succubuses,
but nothing on how to stop them.
You guys, it's 6:00 in the morning. I have to get some sleep.
Dude, Chef's wedding is in three hours.
We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a succubus.
You know what? Screw Chef. There, I said it.
Screw him. Let him marry a succubus. I want to go to sleep.
Here! Here! Look at this. It says,
"The succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody.
"This is succubi power.
"Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus power."
- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know.
Right.
Yeah.
Hey, yeah! What's that song she always sings?
There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on to the night
We've got to find our way together
That's it. We've gotta learn that song backwards.
In three hours.
Oh, man. I can't keep my eyes open.
We can't fall asleep. We've gotta nail that song.
You got the tape recorder, Cartman?
- Cartman? - He's asleep. Wake up, fat ass!
- What, what, what? - Goddamn it, you can't fall asleep.
I wasn't sleeping. I was just thinking really hard.
And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right?
They was probing me and all that.
We had taco salad that night.
Don't matter what we had for dinner, woman.
Now, this alien had a big head, and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me.
I said, "What do you want from me, alien?"
- And do you know what he said? - "$3.50."
Let me tell the damn story, now! He said, "$3.50."
And so I realised that it wasn't no alien,
it was that goddamn Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him
$3.50 by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?
I'd just given him $3.50 the week before.
What? You gave that monster another damn $3.50%
He tricked me.
Well, no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house!
You keep giving it $3.50!
There she is.
- Bitch, bitch, bitch. - Dirty bitch.
All right, Kyle and I are gonna take our positions up front.
Okay.
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
- To have and to... - I do!
Oh, my baby's getting married!
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
I do.
And now a special sharing of vows through song.
Here it goes.
There's got to be a morning after
Now, Cartman!
Children, you're screwing up my wedding!
I'll take care of them!
Cartman, wake up, you fat piece of crap!
What the...
Oh, no! The tape jammed!
What the...
She's a goddamned succubus!
Succubus trying to take my baby!
- Come on, Cartman! - I can't see anything!
- Oh, my God, she killed Kenny. - You bastard!
You damn monster! Get away from my baby!
Hold on, I'll see if I have $3.50!
Got it!
Wow, you don't see that every day.
We're sorry, Chef. We had to do it.
No, I'm glad you did, children.
Now that she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her.
Poontang's poontang.
Come on, children, let's go get some ice cream.
- Hooray! - Hooray!
What? What happened, you guys? Is Kenny okay?
- Hello there, children. - Hey, Chef.
How would like some fish sticks and Tater Tots?
- We'd love them! - It's great to have you back, Chef!
Yeah, well, I learnt a very important lesson this week.
Sometimes you fall in love
And you think you're feeling that way forever
You change your life and ignore your friends
'Cause you think you can't get any better
But then love goes away
No matter what It doesn't stay as strong
And then you're left with nothing 'cause you're thinking with your dong
So watch out for that love bug It can destroy like a typhoon wind
Just play it cool, and don't be a fool
And never let poontang come between you and your friends.
Damn right, Garrison.
- Hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing? - After today, they're going to be fine,
and I'll never have to see you ever again!
I don't think that's possible, piggy. Not with your eyes.
No, not with my eyes. With these!
- Was he an organ donor? - Sure.
Alright, then, let's get to work.
Say, you don't have $3.50 on you, do you?